God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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