YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
