I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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