Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
