You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
