there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
