I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
