If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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