2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I need moral support for this bender
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I would ride that face into the sunset
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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