he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize