I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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