i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
