Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
