PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
