What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
