my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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