Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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