I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
