I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
