You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
