Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
