I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
