i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
