hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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