Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
