Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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