Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
