I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
