the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
