If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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