she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
