Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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