I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
