he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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