If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
