My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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