i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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