Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
