oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
