Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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