if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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