guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
