Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
