if you like me you must not know who I am
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
