I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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