You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
