I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
