did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
