end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
