shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
