best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
