I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
