Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
