I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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