Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
