i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
