the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
