btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
