I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
