508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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