You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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