my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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