his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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