and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
