I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Boobs speak an international language.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
