When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
